I Left Church and Lost My Friends, Too

Deconstructing my religion and choosing to walk in a more authentic faith with Jesus continues to be the best decision I’ve ever made. But, it came at a cost that caused compound hurt in my life. If you have decided to walk away from a toxic church environment, you’ve lost friends, too. 

It hurt. Leaving the toxic environment became easy, but losing friends I never expected to lose made the decision hard. Discovering that some relationships that I believed were deep and lasting were built on the same shifting sand as the church broke my heart. 

I didn’t want to lose them. 

I walked away from the church of my hurt with no relationships left standing. All were shattered and burned to the ground. And I believed it was all my fault because I was told it was. According to those who watched me, I was my story's villain. I started asking questions about leadership and decisions and using my voice to stand up for myself. 

We are not the villains for questioning the integrity of leadership and the harmful moves made inside the church walls. 

After a decade, I’m just now starting to put myself out there at my new church. I do not have community down or know what healthy friendship looks like inside the church. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a healthy friendship. 

I doubted myself and my ability to be loved. I spent most of my life being measured by religious conditions and expectations. 

How can you be known when there is so much pressure to “be” for the sake of someone else’s comfort or spiritual health? Every imperfect part of me isn’t welcome to the table because it could cause someone to stumble. Or my desire to be loved and how I need friendship to show up is too much, and how dare I ask for what I need? 

The I’m here to serve, not be served mentality breeds isolation. At least, that's what happened to me. 

These firmly rooted friends that I thought I had were supported by the shallow, quick mentality of the Christian community. True friendship is a real connection between two or more people who want the best for each other, encourage each other to grow to become who they are meant to be, and love each other for who they are today.  

I know losing friends hurts. As an introvert, I have a tender spot for those who feel worn down by trying and failing to find people to know, love, support, and be honest with who make space and time for us. Putting ourselves out there takes up a lot of space and energy, especially when we don’t know how it feels to feel genuinely valued for who we are and where we are; nothing more and nothing less. 

My prayer is that we find it. I know what I’m looking for and encourage you to be picky. It is easy to get desperate and cling to any attention or sign of love we see, but we are worth getting to know, and so are others. May we be open and willing to be loved in friendship and experience love in return in all the healthy ways we need. 

We are worth knowing and loving. You are worth more than you have to give, and if all someone sees is what they can get from you, they do not respect you.